AN EMPRESS AND THE WARRIORS (Hong Kong, 2008)
Directed by: Ching Siu-tung
Starring: Donnie Yen, Leon Lai, Kelly Chen

Imagine a children’s movie with blood and guts.

Ching Siu-tung is a visionary of the Hong Kong film scene, directing movies like SWORDSMAN 2 and A CHINESE GHOST STORY, and doing the delirious gravity-defying action of movies like HERO and HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS. But there’s another side to Ching, a comic book side, that sees him make lightweight star vehicles like THE WITCH FROM NEPAL, THE DUELIST and AN EMPRESS AND THE WARRIORS, a Cantopop confection that has all the substance of bubblegum and all the depth of a Hilary Duff poster. That said, this is the kind of brainless fun flick that filled up the roster of Hong Kong cinemas during the boom years of the early 90’s and it’s refreshing to see mindless entertainment pulled off on this scale.

The movie is a showcase for three of Hong Kong’s biggest stars. First, there’s martial artists Donnie Yen (IP MAN) probably the last viable kung fu star working in HK and a man who can be very very good when he wants to be, but who is given to gripping his belt and posing when in doubt. Then there’s Leon Lai, a baby-faced Cantopop star who turned into a very good actor in movies like Johnnie To’s A HERO NEVER DIES and Wong Kar-wai’s FALLEN ANGELS. Finally, there’s Kelly Chen, a woman who pouts on a regular basis and who makes an angry squirrel face when confronted with danger. 

The scene: Ancient China. Kelly Chen’s dad is going to war with people because that’s what you do back then, wear crazy armor and kill folks. His son is all annoyed because dad favors Donnie Yen instead of him to be the heir but then Dad gets killed in battle and...Kelly Chen becomes the king. But she’s a girl! Everyone’s pretty upset, but stalwart Donnie backs her and really, who wants to go against Donnie Yen? He might  kick you in the face. But then there’s an assasination attempt on Kelly which makes sense because I always thought if I could get away with it I might take a shot at her, too. She escapes being killed and winds up...in Leon Lai’s treehouse. This is like Pee Wee Herman’s Playhouse only less perverted and everything’s made of wood. Lai is an inventor and he’s invented a hot air balloon, wacky devices for cooking and a cantopop montage where Kelly discovers the love inside her heart. But how will she return to claim her rightful place in her kingdom? 

In between, rain falls, massive battles unfold in massive fields, action scenes are thrown across the screen like rice at a wedding, and overacting gets so grand that it can’t see the ground anymore. Shameless pop entertainment, AN EMPRESS AND THE WARRIORS, like Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, is headbanging hair metal: all style and no substance. But the style is incredibly fun. Bring in a six pack and take a drink every time Kelly Chen gets punched or hit in the head. Resist Leon Lai’s melting eyes of cuteness. Treat yourself to a piece of candy whenever Donnie Yen glares at someone. It’s a kid friendly Disney film only with Donnie Yen freaking out in the end and going all Mr. Stabbity on a big army of bad soldiers. Stripping to the waist he screams, “Who wants some of me!”